Dating during graduate school

I worked part time in the IT department and he worked there. So get outside the PhD student bubble! I have many academic couple friends who are miserable commuting hours between cities or living half in one city and half in another. This should be higher. Two academics getting a job in the same city is hard af. It will make your life 10x easier.

Why Relationships Matter In Grad School: 5 Ways To Maintain

I dated a cohort in grad school, huge mistake. It didn't last more than a few months and we were stuck in close quarters after as many of the TAs in my year shared one large office. They did not behave very maturely at the end of the relationship which they ended , therefore my personal business was turned into office gossip and it was quite embarrassing.

After that I resolved to never fish off the company pier. Definitely do get involved with your school's graduate student society or association. Usually with graduate studies, your courses will have mostly the same people from your field of study, and so does your research group. So you'd have to actually try to get interaction with people from outside the program. So I have to actually go to events and meetings to meet other graduate students. So sign up for clubs and societies.

We'll I've worked in Copenhagen and Stockholm. You're getting a lot of American answers below. It was quite international as well, which was cool. Most internationals didn't, but did if they stayed in the same city for a PD. There wasn't so much outside of academia: A lot of couples were formed and 10 years after I started in Stockholm, most have had families and moved around the planet. There wasn't so much in-lab dating but a huge amount of intradepartment and interdepartment couples. It was socially acceptable.

A lot of sleeping together and random hook-ups. On the whole, I was really impressed with the international-ness of both academic circles in the cities Have some fun and mix with people, and at 27 you're average in "Northern" europe is that's Scandiland. However, there are a few things you have to consider:. That can be a turn off for some people who are looking for someone to settle down with.

I met my husband in grad school! He was in my lab but not in my program. We met the first year and married in my 5th year. I know a lot of people who met their partners in grad school within program. Obviously there were breakups, but if everyone is mature, it's not a big deal. It's great, because they understand the demands of grad school.

It's a way to have an incredibly supportive relationship. The last point you make ended up being the critical factor in my own experience. My own way of living up to the demands of my program cost me a year relationship and undid a few 2-year relationships after that. Until my fifth year I religiously stuck to dating non-academics, and every relationship I had during that time shared the same inevitable fate, sooner or later- death by hour week.

During my last year a new student came into my program and we both knew what was up before she had even accepted the offer, her advisor happened to be married to my advisor, now her and I have been married a few years ourselves, she's almost done with her program and we're all going to live happily ever after as one weird-ass science family.

Until I found her I'd always ended up having to choose between my love for what I'm doing and my love for a person sooner or later. But holy shit, if you meet the right person you don't have to choose, instead you just share all that love. Nothing is better than that Bleep-bloop, I'm a bot.

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This comment was inspired by xkcd Anecdotal but my situation is a little different than everything I can see in this thread. Met my boyfriend the first week of my masters, he was in the 3rd year of his PhD at this point. We TAed a course together, were in the same research institute and had the same supervisor but were in different research group. This means that after that course was over we would have maybe interacted a few times a year at most. We started dating once the course was over and for us it worked great! On the other hand, one of our friend started dating a girl in her research group 10 years younger , shit hit the fan, tears were shed in a meeting with their whole research group, she went home and told her supervisor she wasn't coming back, came back everybody knew about the whole thing and I don't think anybody had anything good to say about her professionalism anymore.

So be careful is all I have to say but sometimes it works out. On one hand I feel like being a grad student has made finding dates easier obviously have a career or something?

Lots of people who are single at this age are career focused. I have a really hard rule about not dating in my department though. I have had fairly consistent flings during the 18 months I've been doing my PhD so far. It's good and bad in that regard. Bad in that there's this feeling in the back of my mind that I'll die alone or something.

However it's good in that I know I basically have to move to the other side of the world for a postdoc when I finish, so it's nice to not have any strings holding me back. One piece of advice I'll give you is don't fuck anyone in your department, and don't fuck anyone who's in a more senior position than you. I made the mistake of having encounters with another phd student in my department, and a prof in my area of study at a conference. Both seemed like great decisions at the time but in hindsight I really should have avoided it.

Alternately, my supervisor met his wife when he was her TA at caltech. So I guess it can work out sometimes. It's largely the same as outside academia, except as a Ph. Depending on whether you're ultimately staying in academia for a career, you also potentially have less choice than others about where you end up, and this can be a relationship dealbreaker. Dating within academia is a YMMV situation - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, I would distrust some of the sweeping generalizations being written in response to your question.

Um well like others said, don't date people in your cohort or department just in case is something worth considering.


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Meanwhile it really depends. If you are inexperienced with dating in general, I would encourage you to try online dating to figure out yourself first. Just practice and learn. I did that during my masters and it was worth it, despite that I did not find my partner online.

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We went to the same uni where I did my masters and he is finishing his PhD soon. Here in the U. I'm a first year doc student btw. I wouldn't recommend dating during grad school. I tried a couple times, and was like trying to lead two separate lives. The time and energy demands of a PhD program are just so great that trying to hold up your end of a relationship becomes incredibly draining.

After the second dating relationship failed between third and fourth year of a 5-year program I just decided to go full monastic and just devote every moment to getting my dissertation done. I was happier that way in the end. Now when you get out, everything changes because you are a Real Adult at that point and seeking relationships is OK. Even with people outside academia! There are a number of couples in my department and there are also some former couples who broke up, but so far in all those cases, it seems to have worked out fine including the ones who broke up.

Our field also has a large proportion of linguists who are married to other linguists, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if that is the case in other fields as well. I have always kept dating very separate. I have never dated anyone I worked with or had classes with. The only thing that came close was dating someone in engineering, but a different year and discipline. None of my serious relationships have ended amicably, so it's probably for the best that I do it this way. I'm seriously dating within my department. My bf have 2 classes together as well. The relationship is going really well and we're moving together to where I got accepted into a Phd program BUT, although our situation turned out really well, I could see that there could be problems with "in-dating".

Being in the same dept, field and courses could result in a competitive atmosphere that COULD be really good or really bad. You might be competing for the same grants, fellowships etc. And then there's the issue of spending too much time together and not being able to get away. We've had arguments that have sprung up just because we've gotten frustrated with being around each other too much; but we recognize the problem and then deliberately spend time apart.

Also, we do have a lot of mutual friends - but we also have maintained separate social circles as well so that we have people to hang out with WITHOUT each other. There has to be a certain amount of trust; I have a lot of male friends and some of them are his friends as well, but my bf acknowledges and understands that I need to spend time with these friends without him around just like I did before we started dating.

Despite all this, I think that because we are in the same field and deal with the same issues, we can understand and relate to each other's problems. Before my current bf I dated a man that was not in school and even though he was understanding, he couldn't fully relate to my "work" problems or complaints.

I think "in-dating" is just like "out-dating" - endogamy or exogamy - it's still dating and either way comes with issues and benefits. No different than "workplace romances", and carries the same caveats - most people do it, and if you're going to do it, be smart about it. For people moving to new cities, I'm surprised it isn't just accepted as fact that it will happen - you're most likely to see these people more than anyone else.

This is so very true! It's like the experience is demanding in such a way that you develop a survivor's bond with your peers. And even if there are mostly women in your program, I bet that widening your circle will lead to Mr. I have noticed that there are a good number of professionals and academics that are married to others in their field. I wonder how many met in grad school. I am not usually friends with the ex's, either, so this is something to keep in mind. This gives me hope. I'm glad you pointed out the need for some separation, too.

I guess a big concern for me, and perhaps others, is that as a grad student, you're at the beginning stages of a career. You don't have the years of reputation or goodwill to insulate you from any mishaps, in fact you are laying the seeds for it at GS. So a screaming match with the SO in study group I've seen it happen may be detrimental to more than your relationship. In reality, most of us have better control that this, but love makes you do dumb, dumb things.

That being said, I'm have no desire to be single until I'm 45 just because I'm dedicated to my work and need to uphold a reputation! Although I haven't seen any really crazy stuff e. I think I can differentiate someone's social and professional life, even if they mix up sometimes. For example, at conferences or other social activities, I see people sometimes overindulging perhaps. But that doesn't make me think "oh well, so-and-so likes to get drunk, his or her research must not be that great", or "wow this presenter looks like they are having a hangover, no need to listen then!

The dangers to yourself I think are more important than your reputation, for dating in the same department, I think e. I think outside of department is probably the same as dating a non-student, except with the benefit of them understanding grad school life. What about people who date before entering grad school and are in the same field?

I don't think anyone will purposely avoid applying to the same programs as their partners! I think it's not off-limits, and it is about the way you go about it. I plan on forming friendships and dating while in graduate school, in part because I haven't had a lot of opportunity to make social connections and date in the past few years due to a lot of hopping around the world.

Now, I'm not going to be actively pursuing my local grad students, and I can see how someone who appears more focused on dating than on school might not come off too well in the eyes of their peers. I'm just saying that if the opportunity to date presents itself, I'm not going to say "nope, I'm focusing solely on school right now".

I think in general that in terms of "rules", the same biases apply as dating in the workplace. Women can sometimes be looked down on for dating within the workplace, more so than men, or are seen as less "serious" for dating because its assumed that they'll marry, have a family, and not continue working at the same pace as the men. This I think would especially be a concern for women in STEM fields or those pursuing tenure track positions. I don't think that I'd look at someone differently if they were dating vs single.

Now, the way that they were acting within their personal relationships might affect my view of them. Someone who dropped the ball on a group project because of relationship drama, for example, or who left a trail of broken hearts in their wake, or didn't really treat the other person well in the relationship, would not come off too well in my personal opinion of them based on how they treat people and responsibilities. So in that sense it's the way you go about personal relationships, the same as with anyone else you meet through any other circumstances.

But the small towns might also encourage very insular environments. And in larger cities just forget about it. The easiest way seems to be finding some hobby and getting really into the area community for that hobby.


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  6. But then your dating is limited to whatever people are also interested in that hobby. No one dates a grad student for the money. A grad student might become a professor. In that case no one dates a professor for paycheck size either. But even though the top researchers in their fields make lots of money, the average professor has a much more modest income. A professor goes wherever they can get a job. There is a bit of a trade-off between location and research opportunities, though.

    Grad School is a Bad Time to Try Dating | The Droning Inquisition

    Of course, leaving academia gives you a bit more choice. Even then, you move to where you can get a job. And in college-educated society that has a certain status associated with it. Like an Ivy or some such. Unfortunately for me, these people are often amongst the most attractive to me. Curious on September 17, at 6: